What your choice of Maryville bar says about you

There’s not much to do in rural Maryville other than go to Mozingo, go to Walmart or go in some sort of circle to Mozingo and then Walmart. However, there is one activity that never fails to entertain, one activity every citizen of Maryville can come together to enjoy: drinking.

As few choices as there may be, Maryville does offer some variety in bars. From Powerhouse to Burny’s to Shooters to The Pub, each bar has its own vibe and community. As an experienced Maryviller drinker myself, I’ve come to deeply understand what people’s bar of choice says about them.

Powerhouse, once known and loved as The Outback, is the party bar. With bottomless cup nights and loose fake ID restrictions, this bar is the place for you if you enjoy nights of sticking to every surface you touch, crying in the bathroom and grossly dancing with strangers. Powerhouse is the land of underage drinking and is the choice of most freshmen.

If you’re over the age of 19 and regularly frequent Powerhouse, let’s sit down and talk. Growing up can be hard, but I promise you’ll be better for it.

Burny’s, a long-standing classic, exists in a limbo between boot-wearing country folk and blacked out city girls. Burny’s fans are die-hard, and its loyal fan base never misses a weekend out. The upper deck is constantly packed, and it can be hard to get a drink there. With the crowd, though, the party is always alive.

If you’re a Burny’s bro, you’re either ready to have fun and get trashed, or you’re ready to get in a bar fight. Maybe both.

If your favorite bar is Shooters, you’re a Republican over the age of 30.

Lastly, the humble Pub. The Pub is the only bar in town that you have to be over 21 to get into, and its guests are grateful. It’s the chill bar, with comfy couches and skee ball. If you want to wear sweatpants to a bar, this is the bar to do it. There is minimal freshmen drama, meaning way less crying in the bathroom, which just makes everyone more comfortable.

If you can be found at The Pub, you’re probably a Northwest senior who just wants to kick back and drink beer with your friends. Oh, and you’re probably exhausted from the past three years of crying in the bathroom at Powerhouse.

Of course, the bars aren’t the only way to drink in Maryville. Pregames, house parties and darties are all other opportunities to waste time in this town.

Pregames are necessary before going to any bar. If you’re not getting at least a little drunk before going to your bar of choice — just one quick round of Thunderstruck — you’re wasting money.

House parties are a little less common in Maryville, but they can almost be better than a bar, depending on the group you’re with. You don’t have to spend money; you don’t have to wait in line. Drinking with friends in the comfort of someone’s run-down, college house with absolutely no toilet paper anywhere in the building is simply a rite of passage.

Darties might be a Maryville favorite. The moment the sun comes out, you can find college kids sitting on their lawn throwing Busch Light cans into the middle of their circle like some kind of alcoholic ritual. Darties almost always end up in vomit and bedtimes of 8 p.m., but there’s something about drinking in daylight that Maryville residents just can’t resist.

At the Maryville bars, communities are formed. Allegiances are made. But before you start to consider yourself better than someone based on your choice of bar, remember that no matter how or where you like to drink, there’s two things we all have in common: We live in Maryville, Missouri, and we’re just tired of driving to Mozingo.