Post-pandemic life looks great

With only four cases of COVID-19 in Nodaway County and vaccinations rolling out by the hundreds, it feels like things are finally looking up. The era of COVID-19, if not ending, is at least changing, and I, for one, am ready.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say it’s not fun wearing masks everywhere and constantly having to worry about whether we’re 5 or 6 feet away from people. It’s also not fun having to worry about contracting a deadly virus, but it’s the little things, right?

Let’s look on the bright side. Soon enough, we won’t have to wear masks anymore. People will be able to breathe and cough and sneeze all over me with no worry. Social-distancing will be a thing of the past, of course, so everyone’s breath and coughs and sneezes will be close range. It’ll be so freeing.

Along with that, I will no longer be able to decide from one glance at a person and their masked or maskless face if they are worth my time. Instead, I’ll have to actually speak to people and just wait for them to say something insulting. It’ll force me to take a minute before I harshly judge someone’s character, though I’ll ultimately come to the same conclusion when they curse at the cashier. Nevertheless, patience is a virtue.

I can’t wait for the day when the words “COVID-19” and “coronavirus” and “millions dead” don’t appear on my Twitter feed. I mean, Twitter is supposed to be fun. I’d love to go back to a peaceful Twitter feed full of mass shooting reports, nonsensical ramblings from senile presidents and hate comments from teenage bullies about why what I’m wearing makes me ugly. Reading about COVID-19 every day is just too stressful.

When COVID-19 disappears, we’ll be able to attend crowded concerts where we get shoved by drunken strangers, and we’ll be able to attend crowded theme parks where dirty children scream wildly for multiple hours. It will be so nice to know the horrors of the human race once again.

We’ll eat at questionable restaurants where the cooks touch everything with their bare hands. We’ll share drinks with everyone we meet. We’ll let strange, disgruntled family members hold our newborn babies. We’ll touch every surface in a public restroom except for the soap. We’ll get to be disgusting again. That’s what being American is all about.

It’s hard to believe that COVID-19 has taken such a significant decline in America recently that all of these things might soon be happening, but it’s true. We did it. After more than a year of completely disregarding health care officials and scientists and making essentially no effort to follow mitigation measures, we’ve finally made progress. COVID-19 is ending: It’s time to party. Frankly, we’ve earned it.